Random Thoughts...

I have realized this week that even though since I am pregnant I am not "technically" infertile anymore, I still think like I am.  After trying for so long and then going through two miscarriages I went into this pregnancy not really believing I would actually end up with a baby at the end. I didn't buy one pregnancy book.  I didn't buy one item for Lucas until at least 22 weeks.  And even after that I have bought very little in total.  I have spent most of this pregnancy "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and really, that just sucks.  It makes me sad that I don't think I have fully "enjoyed" being pregnant because I was afraid to.  I am 31 weeks pregnant and just this week it has hit me that the chances of bringing home Lucas are much higher at this point than not.  And now I am freaking out.  I am not ready, not emotionally or in terms of having anything.  I want to breastfeed and have no idea how. I don't even know the right way to hold a baby, I haven't held one in well, geez, I think it was Ricki's youngest, so what, 7 years now?  Changing diapers, dressing, bathing, nothing.  I know nothing.  I ran out yesterday and bought What to Expect the First Year.  I was completely over-whelmed after the first two chapters.  I have 9 weeks or less to get myself "ready" and I am just not sure how to do it.. Sigh.